Lucky Day

That's me, Mr. Lucky.

So I called a client, a very pretty girl who was no great talent but she was very serious about her acting career, took acting lessons and whenever she had a job she’d make her best effort to memorize her lines (she usually got one or two scenes, you’ve probably seen a few of them, where the party gets out of hand and people start getting into each other – hint, hint – and then the mad killer shows up…)

And unlike some of my clients, if the director says, no, don’t do it that way, do it this way, she just smiles and okay.

So she was no great talent but she always did her very best and a lot of people who make low budget movies appreciate that she works hard and has a good attitude and she usually got a role of some sort every month or so.

So I had her come into the office and we were reading through the script and discussing the role and my commission, and while reading the script - I have found that some of my clients sometimes needed some direction on how to pronounce certain words that I am almost embarrassed to repeat - she suddenly gets up and screams.

“Do you see a scream anywhere on the page?” I said and she says in a loud voice, “Look!!” She points to a spot on the floor next to a filing cabinet and sure enough there’s a big fat flat cockroach. Just snuck through a space between the baseboard and the floor.

I’ve mentioned this to my landlord on more than one occasion. Oh, I understand, he’d say, it’s a real problem in the city, you know, did you see that article in the newspaper? That’s why I have an exterminator come in every month at night, trust me, I’ll take care of that!

This is why I pay my rent on time every month, so my clients get to see roaches in my office. 

So I got up and snuck up and stepped on the little pest, and the girl screamed again. “That’s so disgusting!” she said as I took a crumpled paper towel from my pocket and wiped my shoe. “So what do you want, I should catch him and throw him out the window?”

Anyway, she calmed down and we finished up what we needed to do - I needed to have her repeat one line about five times, she kept tripping over “metaphysical certitude” of all things - and I told her that I knew she was going to do a great job in the movie, and she gave me a hug and went on her way.

I wanted to take a shot of vodka, but instead I called my aunt Mildred, and after the usual pleasantries, for example, uncle Jack was smoking cigars again, even after his doctor told him it was a bad habit, that and eating chicken skin, and was my father wearing a hat like the dermatologist told him so he wouldn’t get another bad spot on his balding head, and was I watching my weight, I finally said, “So how do you get rid of roaches?”

“You have roaches?! Do you live like a slob? That’s why people have roaches, they live like slobs!”

“I’m calling from my office, I can’t help it if the people in the next office don’t clean up after themselves.” A couple of brothers who were accountants in one office next to me, an agency that rented out secretaries and bookkeepers in the office on the other side. I’m sure they threw food and soda all over the floor every day.

“Well I told your father he should find an office in a nice new building,” she said.

“What do you recommend,” I finally said. 

“Well, not to say anything bad about my sister, after all she is your mother, but if you asked her, she’d -“

“I didn’t ask her, I’m asking you, I know you’re a fanatic about cleanliness.”

“Yes, that’s true, even though people hate to admit it’s a good thing, you probably do want to ask me what to do.”

I rubbed my nose and ran my fingers through my hair. “So what do you recommend, Aunt Mildred?”

“Well, you could put roach powder down along the edges of the floor, but that stuff’s poison, if you open a window it could get in the air, so you probably don’t want to do that.”

“So what do I want to do?” I said.

“Or you could get a can of roach spray and spray it all along the edges of the floor, but that stuff will stink up your office, so you probably don’t want to  do that either.”

“So what do I want to do?” I said. Louder.

“Go to a hardware store, you know where there’s a hardware store, right? or a  place like that, you know, they probably have lots of things you could use in your office.”

“So uncle Jack is smoking cigars again?”

“Yes, and don’t change the subject, it’s only those little cigars, maybe twice a day. You get yourself to a hardware store today”

“And what do I ask for when I get to the hardware store?” I said, although I was ready to scream.

“Oh, you want to ask for roach motels.”

“Roach motels? Is that what they’re called?”

“Don’t you ever turn on the television? They advertise them all the time. Cardboard boxes about the size of those cigar boxes that uncle Jack’s cigars come in, you remember what they look like, those cigar boxes?”

“Yes,” I said as I began to reach for the drawer with the shot bottles.

“Well, you get some of those, they have glue inside that smells like caramel. The roaches go in and get stuck. It’s the first thing I recommend when anyone asks my advice about roaches… what, do you have a cough? Are you eating healthy?”

 “Yes, I try to eat healthy,” I said as I swallowed the rest of the vodka. “The air is a little dry today and I had someone in to dust today.”

“Well, you see what I said? When you get to the hardware store, you should also get a humidifier.”

I wanted another shot bottle but just said, “OK, I’ll stop by the hardware store today and get some roach motels.”

“Good, I’m glad you listen to me. Do you still speak to your parents? I hate to spend the money on long distance, you know your mother can talk a lot when she’s on the phone.”

“I know, I know, I call from the office a couple of times a week, that way it’s a business expense.”

“Well, tell them I said hello and that uncle Jack is smoking again and your cousin Susie quit teaching again and that your father should wear a hat like his doctor told him to.”

“Okay, and tell uncle Jack and everyone else that I said hello, we have to get together again one of these days,” I said. Maybe to say goodbye to uncle Jack when he finally sprouts wings and flies away.

So I went into this hardware store that’s around the corner about a block and a half away, a small dusty place that’s been there for ages. The bell over the door rings and the guy sitting behind the counter looked up from his newspaper as I came in and said, “What can I do for you?”

“Do you have roach motels?”

“Oh, sure, a lot of people around here want them. What kind of roaches you got, big or little?”

“I saw a big flat one, maybe an inch long.”

“I got just what you want,” he said and he strolled into one of the cluttered aisles. He came back with a package wrapped in cellophane and put it on the counter. “Two motels in here, should be enough to start with,” he said as he sat down again. “You know what to do with ‘em?”

I admitted that I wasn’t entirely sure. “OK, you take the wrapper off, put one box where you saw that roach, put the other someplace that looks the same. Look inside every day, if it looks crowded, you throw it out and come for another package. They probably won’t eliminate ‘em but they’ll keep the bugs under control.”

“Okay, I’ll see how they work.” I paid him, he thanked me, I left. I went just a bit out of my way to get a donut and coffee at Grouchy’s Deli before I went back to the office.

I tossed a quarter to a panhandler near the office for luck, I had an important client coming by in about 20 minutes. I wolfed down the donut, gulped the coffee, then looked at the roach motels wrapper for a moment. I opened it and put the motels where the hardware guy suggested I put them.

Matilda was a well-known sort of minor actress, most people wouldn’t know her name but they’d probably recognize her from all the television shows she’d been in. Day time soaps, nighttime dramas and comedies, an occasional spot on a talk show or game show, you name it, she’s done it. Probably been around for thirty years, maybe more.

Right on time, she came in without knocking, toting a carrier with her cat. Some kind of mixed breed with long hair like half Persian and half something else, I never bothered to learn anything else about him. She did insist on telling me that he was the Sweetest Pussycat and had been neutered. Ouch.

Obviously, given her opinion of herself, she saw no reason to ask me if she could let the cat roam around the office.

“Now, what are we going to talk about today, dear?” she said. She had a very good air of politeness and class, even if it was all an act.

“Well, first, the soap wants you back. From what they told me, I think they’re thinking at least twice, maybe three days a week for at least a few weeks, you know, they want to bring back the sister of the woman who died. You know Evelyn, right?”

“Oh, yes, poor thing. Let herself get written out for good.”

“I heard she wanted out to take it easy, she’d been there a long time.”

“Well, you wouldn’t catch me letting myself being written out of such a good part like that!”

“I know what you mean, but that’s what she wanted, I heard it from one of my clients who’s been on the show.”

“Prince! Stop nosing around! Come sit here!” she said to her cat, who so far as I could tell had no intentions of listening to her.

“Oh, but here’s the twist,” I said, “they want you on the show because she died and you heard she was leaving a lot of money to the son she’d been on bad terms with for a long time, and your character feels she should have been one of the main heirs to her estate. It’ll be a good opportunity to let the soap’s fans see you again after all these months.” I took a moment to think, series or drama, while she nodded her head. I could tell she wanted back on the soap.

“But I also got a call the same day from a producer at a prime time crime drama, he thinks you’d be perfect for a part in an upcoming episode. And the best thing is - ”

And she screamed.

“Please don’t tell me you saw a roach!”

“No, you fool, worse than that! Look at Prince!”

I almost twisted my neck as I looked and saw that the little monster had one of his paws stuck in one of the roach motels.

“Oh, geez, Matilda, it’s just glue, we can get his paw out and wash it off.”

“But what if it’s poison in there! You think they just put glue in there? Don’t treat me like a fool!”

Well, the wrapper clearly said NON-TOXIC will not harm household pets if they come in contact with the contents, and that’s what I told her. 

But she wouldn’t listen, because she was a star or something.”I’m not listening to you, you’re not an expert! I’m calling the vet before you do anything!”

Oy… oy… I need another vodka. I gently pushed the phone at her.

“Hello?.. hello, this is Matilda… yes, is the doctor available? It’s Very important!.. PRINCE! Stop that!!” Prince had begun gnawing at the edge of the box. I expected her to throw something at me. It was my fault that her cat wouldn’t listen to her.

“Oh, thank you, Doctor, I have a real problem! Prince has a paw caught in one of those… what is this thing called?” she said impatiently.

“It’s a roach motel.”

“It’s called a ‘roach motel’, doctor… yes, his front right paw is stuck in it…” I began to think the vet was not giving her any sympathy. “Yes… no, I don’t know… yes, of course I’ll ask.” She looked very impatient as she said to me, “The doctor wants to know, is it non-toxic?”

I pulled the wrapper out of the wastepaper basket and tried to give it to her. “I don’t want to touch it! Just show me what it says!”

I held it for her to see as she fumbled with one hand in one pocket then another till she got her glasses on, all the while holding Prince, who looked like he wanted to go to sleep.

“Yes, doctor, yes, it says non-toxic in big letters…will not harm household pets if they – yes… yes, we will do that right away. How is Sally? And the boys?.. I’m very glad to hear it… another grandson? How wonderful!..  Thank you, thank you so much for your time.”

She looked at me. She looked very serious, Very Serious. “The doctor said we need to gently remove his paw from the box, then get some warm wet paper towels and wipe his paw till it’s clean.”

I went to the men’s room, got a bunch of paper towels, and let some hot water run on them. To make myself feel better, I threatened to punch the paper towel dispenser. I held the motel and she carefully pulled his paw out, then she held him while I carefully wiped his paw off several times, while he tried to bite me. I wanted to punch the paper towel dispenser again.

“Ok, I forgive you, dear,” she said, “But I can’t believe you have your office in a building with roaches. Where I live, if anyone sees a roach the exterminator is called in the same day!”

With a sprayer full of scented water, I’d bet. “Matilda, I was reading in the paper just the other day that there probably isn’t a building in the city that doesn’t have a few roaches.”

But she was cradling the cat in her arms and cooed at him. I wouldn’t have been shocked if he tried to bite her, too.

“So, where were we, dear..?”

I reached into the desk drawer and took out two shot bottles. “Do you want a swig? “ I said. She paused to look at her watch, and said, I suppose so, it is almost three.”